(PALM BEACH) — Jesus Christ, the reclusive son of the almighty creator of the universe, held an impromptu press conference yesterday to set the record straight on a few issues. After a worldwide birthday celebration late last month, the savior has been vacationing in Palm Beach, Florida. Upon returning from a round of golf at The Mar-a-Lago Club, Christ was spotted by reporters and spent a few minutes chatting with them before disappearing into thin air.
Asked to comment on the popular theory that Donald Trump was his personal choice to be the President of the United States, Jesus was forthright in responding, “Oh yes, that’s absolutely true. Dad and I just kind of felt he was the right man for the job.” Christ went on to explain that he and his father had been overwhelmed in recent years by an unprecedented number of prayers from Americans pleading to be delivered from the clutches of the brutal Obama regime. “Caucasians, in particular,” he said, “I mean they’ve had it rough for a long time now, and I thought it was time for them to catch a break.”
Questions covered various topics. Intrepid reporter Shepard Smith of Fox News asked Christ to confirm the widespread speculation that the United States is his favorite country. The son of God responded with an enthusiastic affirmation, which included a high five for Smith, before he went on to extol the virtues, patriotism, and sacrifice of so many brave young Americans who had fought so valiantly in the War on Christmas.
Asked whether his father had any plans to make himself available to the press, Jesus seemed to hint at a rather delicate relationship. “We text,” he explained, “And we both comment on Mr. Trump’s Twitter feed–under pseudonyms, of course–but we don’t get together in person as often these days. We haven’t always seen eye to eye in the past. As you know, Dad had a bit of a temper in the old days. When humans weren’t behaving, he tended to send plagues or catastrophic storms, which I always felt were a bit harsh. So I’m pleased to see he’s meting out punishments in more subtle ways these days, like the sound from windmills causing cancer, and the yearly wildfires that keep those gay-loving Californians in check.” Pressed to predict when he and his father would actually reunite, he responded, “We’ll probably get together for the fourth of July. A barbecue. As you may know, in heaven, America’s birthday is like our Christmas. It’s huge, let me tell you. Huge.” After this statement, he flashed the assembled press his trademark smile and the “OK” hand gesture, before disappearing from their midst, as has been his traditional signal to end interviews in the past.