XIII: The Cold War Heats Up
For those who don’t remember the Cold War, it was a time of intense paranoia, when Russians and Americans simultaneously believed that the other was a diabolical, radicalized empire intent on destroying everything that was held dear. Before finally being won in the 1980s by Rocky Balboa, it lingered for decades, producing international incidents ranging from the awkward to the terrifying.
By the summer of 1958, US President Dwight D. Eisenhower had a new toy at his disposal: the U2 Spy Plane, a sophisticated aircraft that could fly at altitudes unreachable by Russia’s fighter jets of the time. It was believed that Soviet missiles could not reach said altitudes as well, a theory that (spoiler alert) turned out to be just short of true. Giddy to use the new plane to spy on the Commies, Eisenhower prevailed upon Pakistan to allow the U2 to be based and flown out of an intelligence facility on Pakistani soil. Prime Minister Feroze Khan Noon, in some serious debt to Eisenhower after an ill-advised all night game of strip poker, begrudgingly obliged, and the spy flights began. There were several successful missions, during which America discovered important Soviet secrets like a nuclear weapons testing site, and an early Walmart that would later be converted to a steroid manufacturing facility for Olympic athletes. One mission in April of 1960, piloted by Bob Ericson, flew low and was discovered by the Russians and nearly intercepted by a pair of MiG-19s, but thanks to extraordinary efforts by a young Goose and Maverick, the MiGs bugged out and the U2 escaped unharmed.
Eisenhower, unaware of the popular warning about “too much of a good thing,” immediately planned a follow-up mission. The May 1, 1960 flight would be piloted by Francis Powers, chosen because his middle name was literally “Danger.” This time, neither luck nor Maverick was with the spy plane, and it was shot down from the sky by a Soviet surface-to-air missile. Powers, who parachuted to safety but was captured, would later describe the event as “very ouch, baby.”
Eisenhower, who had the American public believing that no such U2 spying expeditions were taking place, first tried to explain away the incident by suggesting that the Soviets were just trying to put an end to the “relentlessly whiny musical meanderings of Bono.” Americans generally shrugged in response and agreed that such actions were understandable.
This incident occurred roughly two weeks before a scheduled peace summit in Paris between Eisenhower and Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev (known among UN Nations as “Shoe-bangy McBangster”). Khrushchev was furious over both the spying incident and Eisenhower’s lame cover-up attempts, not to mention the fact that he preferred the nickname “Special K.” Details of the incident soon emerged. Russian intelligence (to use an oxymoron) was fully aware that the mission was happening, but their aircraft were indeed unable to reach the necessary altitude to down the U2. Instead, missile salvos were ordered, which is a tactic where multiple missiles are all fired into the same general area, hoping to hit something, by god. And it worked. Powers’s U2 was struck, as was a Soviet MiG whose pilot wandered off course because he was distracted while posting to Instagram. Powers was captured and imprisoned, and Shoe Bangy went into action to show the world how the lowdown Americans were lying about spying. I did not mean to rhyme that sentence, but I rather like it. When Khrushchev denounced the US as underhanded and dishonest, a viable threat to world peace. Eisenhower responded with one of the shortest Presidential speeches in US history when he said, “I know you are, but what are we?”
America’s next attempt to explain the missing aircraft involved NASA suggesting that “weather research pilot” Powers had passed out from too much Tang-and-Vodka, a common inflight beverage for bored aviators of the time. Eisenhower, secretly in the grips of a gasoline-huffing addiction, was unaware that Powers was still alive, so he decided to go with NASA’s bullshit story. Khrushchev, however, had recovered incriminating parts of the aircraft, such as photographic equipment, and a tail fin which bore the words “Spy Plane,” so he shared this evidence with world media. Eisenhower, utilizing a tactic later perfected by Ronald Reagan, proceeded to claim he knew nothing about the U2 flights, and had “never even heard of NASA.” To further the ruse, he ordered the cancellation of future “weather research” U2 flights, admitting that learning about the mysteries of Russian weather was a stupid use of a million dollar aircraft. Khrushchev then revealed the ace in his sleeve, the fact that Francis Powers was still alive and had refuted many of the United States’ claims. Eisenhower replied, “D’oh!!” and retreated to the Oval Office, where he proceeded to invent, and then smoke, crack.
In the end, the Eisenhower administration had to come clean and face immense international embarrassment. The Paris summit still took place, but for the most part the leaders sat across the room from each other, casting suspicious glances at one another, and nothing was accomplished. The Cold War grew worse. Powers was convicted of espionage and sentenced to ten years in Soviet prison, but two years later he was sent back to the US in exchange for a Soviet Intelligence officer, cash considerations, and a player to be named later. Unfortunately, U2 survived and went on to release like 8 million whiny, melodramatic albums.
Jeff Gephart 